They say that time is supposed to be a good healer. Yet here we are, 705 days down the road, and still, salt is being poured into the wound.
Throughout the last two years, I’ve done my best to maintain a high level of integrity towards you. Despite getting peppered time and again with insults, having people actively dodge me because of lies told about me to them, the upset caused to my family and friends, to me. I’ve purposefully not retaliated in a way that would fuel the whole sorry saga up again. A level of respect that, sadly, you have not afforded to me in return.
It was nine years ago in November that we met, little did i know then just how much of an impact on my life you’d have. That’s quite a dramatic thing to say isn’t it, but I’m not necessarily talking about a negative impact.
You were in a funny place at the time. What you had gone through with Nayr, not being able to turn to your own family, a family who had no idea that any of this was going on, even though all this was going on under their roof (strange, because by their own admission, they are “extremely clever people”). The burden that placed on you, the lies you had to tell and the secrets that’s had to keep to cover up your deception and keep it covered up. A lot of people would have walked away given how raw that still was and the ongoing effect that would have. On you as well as any new relationship. But I didn’t. In fact, did I treat you differently in any way at all because of it? Ever?
No. Instead, I wanted to be the person that put you back together, the person who would be there for you, no matter what and help you find strength to move on from that. And despite the consistent abuse I got from your family, the snidey remarks, the shouting in my face or just as rude, the silent treatment. No, Despite all that, I always saw it as my privilege to be your partner and best friend. And for a brief time there, I believed I was that guy. But, actually, it was that arrogance, that belief, is that nearly drove me into the ground. Literally. I’ve come to see though, over time, that I failed miserably. You haven’t changed at all. You’re still that bewildered little girl I met in Glasgow. Using lies to cover your own shortcomings.
Rewind slightly.. I said that the impact you have had on me isn’t all negative, and that’s true. What you are and how you’ve acted these past two years has been awful, yes. But I don’t regret getting married. I don’t regret our time together. I only wish I was better as I clearly fell well short. On what, I’m not quite sure as you never told me, but still, I apologise. However, even in the dark times of late, you continued to make a positive impact. You see, you have been so vile, so incredibly poisonous that it’s been so easy to know how to conduct myself. By just being the complete opposite of you. Now, When I say this, please know that I’m not just saying this to look like ‘Billy Big Bollocks’ or stretching the truth to big myself up, it’s not my style, and there are plenty who can witness, but I’m regularly told that I’ve either had a positive impact on or been an inspiration/good influence to them or someone they know. And that’s because of you. Either by being the example of how not to treat people or go through life but also because you’ve forced me to dig deep, evaluate and change who i am to make positives moves forward. I’m not saying I’m perfect or that I don’t have bad days because of the tornado of BS i’ve had to deal with these past two years, and there will be a few more dark days to come whilst I deal with the situation you’ve left me in, but I’m certainly a much better, much stronger person that I was. Thank you.
You may ask yourself, why write this? Why share so publicly something that I could say to you directly when you might not even see it. Well, yes it is slight ‘airing your dirty laundry in public’ but I have nothing to hide and this way you can’t cherry pick the parts you need to spin it and I’m tired of having stories told back to me with arms missing and legs added, so to speak. By writing this, Everyone, well the five or six that probably read it, will know what I’ve said and also, it’s been good for me to spend a little bit of time processing the past couple of days. O, look, you helped me again. Plus, I’ve no doubt you’ll read it. Whether it’s off your own steam or whether its via Timmy Tiny Testes aka the person who has nothing better to do than scanning my social media to pass notes to you about what I’m up to and where I’m going. to get your guy to email me. In fact, why not get said person to hold their hand up and have the courage of conviction. Honestly, I’m really not that interesting so I could save them a lot of time as I’m happy to provide a presentation or pamphlet on what a supportive family is and give you break down of all the things my family are having to provide for me and help me with because of the mess you left for me to mop up. I’m not embarrassed. I’m only grateful that I have that support from family and friends.
But seriously, I know you haven’t reflected any action i have afforded you, but I ask, please, for all that is holy, reflect this one. Just stop it now. If there is any shred of decency left in you that realises I’m not the monster you have me painted as, then please move on. I have, well least I keep trying to but I get dragged back in. Crikey Moses, I even moved away to get away from all of it in an attempt to put the whole thing to bed. If you’re not happy playing Mr and Mrs Tinder, find someone else to annoy but please ‘swipe left’ to me once and for all.
O by the way. Did you take my Belinda Carlisle CD because I can’t find it anywhere?